Untranslated love: when you feel unseen in your marriage
My two year old daughter taught me something about marriage that blew my mind...
Sometimes she knows exactly what she wants, but she does not have the words for it yet. So she gets frustrated. She points, cries, or throws herself on the floor.
And I’ll usually say, “Baby, take me to it.”
She grabs my hand and walks me to what she wanted. Once I see it, I can give her the language for it. “That’s your cup.” “That’s your blanket.” “That’s your snack.”
And I started thinking about how much can get missed when the frustration gets all the attention.
The need can be real before the words are clear
In a marriage, you can want care, affection, admiration, presence or support and still struggle to explain what that would look like today.
So you say, “You don’t support me.” Your spouse starts listing everything they did for you. Now you’re arguing about their effort, and the thing you needed still hasn’t been named.
Your spouse is an adult and an equal. The lesson I took from my daughter was about my own attention... could I get curious about what someone was trying to communicate before deciding I already understood it?
Think about it. If my daughter is crying for water, and I only correct the crying without finding out what she needs, she can still be thirsty when the room gets quiet.
A quiet conversation isn’t always an understood conversation.
What I mean by untranslated love
Sometimes love is present, but not understood. The effort is real, but not recognized. The need matters, but it hasn’t become a clear request yet.
That’s what I mean by untranslated love.
One person may be working more because they want to provide. The other may be asking for time together because they miss feeling included. Both can care deeply and still need to talk about how those choices affect their shared life.
But clearer words are only part of this. If someone has already explained what they need, or you made an agreement and didn’t follow through, another explanation won’t do the work for you.
Sometimes the next move is understanding. Sometimes it is doing what you agreed to do.
Pause before deciding what the tone means
Now hear me... tone matters. Frustration doesn’t give either person permission to insult, threaten or control the other.
You can take the need seriously and still set a limit on how the conversation happens.
You might say, “I want to understand what you need. I also need us to speak without insulting each other.” If you need a pause, name when you can return to the conversation rather than using the pause to make the subject disappear.
And if you’re the person trying to explain the need, you have a part here too. Your spouse cannot be responsible for guessing correctly every time you’re upset.
“I’m frustrated, and I’m having trouble explaining it” gives them more to work with than expecting them to read your silence.
Take the conversation to one real moment
The question I shared in my post was...
“What are you trying to show me that you do not fully have language for yet?”
You can make that question easier to answer by asking about one moment: “When did you need support today, and what would have helped?”
Give your spouse room to describe it. Maybe support meant taking over a task. Maybe it meant listening before offering a solution. Maybe they wanted you to ask about something they’re trying to build.
Those are possibilities... let them tell you what fits.
Then check your understanding: “So when you asked for support, you wanted me to help with that task tonight. Did I get that right?”
From there, talk about what is possible and make an agreement you both understand. You may need a different plan. Understanding a request doesn’t mean you can always say yes to it.
But now you have something specific to work with.
Make room to feel understood
You don’t need a perfect explanation to begin. You need enough honesty to say what you know, ask about what you don’t, and leave room for the answer to surprise you.
If this feels familiar, the Purpose Waze community is a place to keep exploring conversations like these. You can begin even if your spouse isn’t ready to join.
The next time frustration gets loud, pay attention to both the words and the need being described. Then let your response include something the other person can actually experience.
The cycle ends with me.
